You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
