Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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