I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
