Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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