i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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