I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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