we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
