I just cut my nipple shaving
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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