Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
