I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
