I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
she peed on how many people?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
