dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Less talking, more tequila
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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