i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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