Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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