I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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