i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
