Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Randomize
