So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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