and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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