I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
