Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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