i already hear my dad disowning me
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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