everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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