So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
