I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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