sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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