I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
