I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
