I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Are my feet made of real feet?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
