if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
