which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
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