from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
