Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
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