im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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