some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
