i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
