Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
