So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
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Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
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Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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