that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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