hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
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