considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Randomize
