Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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