Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
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We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
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I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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