I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
