I cannot find my penis.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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