You just made me feel so damn special
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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