I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
