if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
