Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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