to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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