My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
