yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
