I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
