Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
