Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
